What will survive of us is love

For some reason my post 'Do what you want and fuck the rest' has taken off in popularity far above anything else I've ever written. I can only assume that in my rather miserable place of ranting, I've struck the same nerve with some people that had been struck in myself that same day.

'You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work... Fuck that. And fuck the Air Force Academy. If I want to fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest.' - Dwayne, Little Miss Sunshine

I actually re-watched Little Miss Sunshine yesterday - a movie I'd highly recommend to anyone and everyone - which is what spurred me to reread the post that had been inspired by it. Whilst I can't deny that I still agree with the vast majority of what I wrote, there is one particular thing that I'd like to clear up.

Love is everything to me. Ev-ry-thing. I love everyone I've ever met and never met and it's even listed as my religion on Facebook (so you know it's legit). I feel that last time, as I was a little upset due to one of those complicated, I-can't-be-bothered-explaining relationship-things, I belittled love. To me, love makes the world go round, it's in the air, in the whisper of the trees and it can definitely put you on top of the world. It's the most important thing in the whole entire universe and YET, I stand by what I said; it isn't all that you need.

In an ideal world, it would be. Everyone would love one another so fiercely that we wouldn't have to worry about the unequal distribution of the world's resources or the hurtful words that sparred between two friends. But as humans we are not ideal or perfect, so we get love wrong time and time again. We hurt those who mean the most to us and unfortunately, our love will probably always be inadequate for it to be 'all we need'.

Which is why I believe that we should chase what makes us truly happy. I do not, by any stretch of the imagination, encourage mindless hedonism or complete disregard and lack of respect for others. As I said last time, I agree with good ol' Albert that 'only a life lived for others is a life worthwhile', but we must be careful not to forget to look after ourselves in the process. Burning yourself out for others is, whilst admirable, pretty counterproductive in the long run, as you are no use to anybody completely exhausted, stressed out and hysterical because you just can't cope. So breathe, take a step back and always make some 'you' time. Whether that be a night out with the girls or some alone time knitting in your bedroom (surely that's not just me) you need time to be yourself, in order for you to be the best you can be for others. And honestly, don't they deserve your best?

What I'm trying to say is, don't disregard the importance of human love just because it isn't the only practical thing we need in life. Love the hell out of everyone you meet because, regardless of background, race, religious beliefs, sexuality, gender and anything else you can think of, as humans - sorry to bring High School Musical into this - we ARE all in this together whether we like it or not. Just don't ruin yourself in the process. You are far too precious and beautiful for that. You have to love yourself and your own life in order to show others how to do the same and that comes from pursuing your own personal well-being and happiness.

I'm also going to add this link to a friend's blog as I think it compliments, sums up and is probably an improvement on what I'm trying to say about what love means. Enjoy Bright Lights and Loneliness.

Identity Thief, Emily's Story

Since posting the video I've had all sorts of feedback and questions on how our experiment went and what the subsequent results have been. Whilst the comments have been mostly positive, I've also received some concern about the last part of the video where I say, 'I may be less inclined to wear things like this' referring to my dungarees. I realise that without context that could appear as though the experiment has taught me to shy away from what is naturally my own style, due to the reactions to what I was wearing or due to the various 'tramp' related comments Josie received when wearing my clothes. So I thought I'd better start by clearing that up.

First of all, I am not, by ANY means, getting rid of my dungarees. They are my favourite item of clothing by a long shot and nothing will ever compare to their super comfiness. However, as I mentioned in the first post, I have some serious issues when it comes to my body shape and how I perceive myself. This stems wayyyyyyyyyyy back to my childhood, when in Primary School I was going through the awkward, slightly chubby, puppy fat stage.

This is what my friends say I used to look like. I now cry with laughter every time I see this.

Unfortunately like many other children I suffered a severe, though short lived, stint of bullying around the age of 10/11. Although I was on the slightly larger side (though how much that was true is difficult to tell), I still wanted to fit in with my skinny, mini friends at school so I'd always do the classic school girl skirt rolling up and cool sock thing - which looking back was actually really bizarre. Whilst none of my friends would bat an eye-lid, almost everyday when I said goodbye to group I meandered home with and walked the last five minutes by myself, a group of girls from the neighbouring 'rival' school would chase me home shouting obscenities at me and their favourite, 'fat slut', still resounds with me today. I'm not sure how many people I ever told about this as I was, and probably still am, a proud little lady and didn't like people to think that they could get the better of me. So for a few weeks I would take it on the chin, ignoring everything and anything these four girls would throw at me until it finally fizzled out; I can only assume they got bored due to my lack of reaction. I even eventually befriended one of them a few years later at a drama club I attended, though she either chose to pretend or genuinely couldn't remember what she had done.

When I went on to high school the following year, I lost a lot of weight. It almost didn't seem like a conscious decision at first, I just stopped eating as much. Then I'd eat as little as I could get away with and began to feel guilty if I didn't feel hungry. A few times I got so hungry I binged like crazy then made myself throw it all back up again. Luckily, by some miraculous means, I managed to get through all this without telling a soul. I didn't want people to think I had an eating disorder or worry about me. The fact was I was 'fat' and needed to lose weight, but unfortunately I was totally uneducated in how to do that in a healthy manner. I was also lucky that I somehow managed to take hold of the situation before it became too severe. Although I was pretty tiny, (I remember a science class when I was 14 where I weighed in at 6.5 stone (42kg) and a pair of jeans I had when I was in year 5 were to big for me by year 9) I was never dangerously underweight and as I gained more confidence I started to care less about what people thought.

This is me at my first festival just before my 14th birthday rocking my classic, men's extra large black hoody.

Sadly, the repercussions from 10 years ago still haven't quite left me. Although I care less about what people think of my style and personality, I am still and will probably always be, terrified of being 'fat' or 'slutty', which is why I dress like a do. I'm the kind of person who dresses depending on how I'm feeling. I either pick colours that reflect my mood or garments that reflect my level of self esteem. For example, if I'm feeling sad I'll pick dark colours or if I'm particularly excited I'll go all multi-coloured or if I'm having a 'pretty day' I'll wear something girly or if I'm having a 'fat day' I'll wear something loose fitting and comfy so I don't have to feel self conscious about myself etc etc etc. Although my clothes are without a doubt an expression of my personality, it annoys me how they are also slightly determined by insults a received from some misguided children over a decade ago.

So, to get to the point, I am not saying I would be less inclined to wear my dungarees because I don't like them. It's just that by wearing something that made me feel pretty much naked and incredibly self-conscious for the day and receiving only positive comments, I've realised that maybe I shouldn't be as ashamed of my body as I am. Of course my friends have always been lovely to me, trying to build me up and telling me that the amount I care about other people's opinions is stupid, but seeing not only the reactions to what I was wearing but also to my clothes on somebody else's body really highlighted for me the ridiculous lengths I sometimes go to just to hide what my body really looks like. I should be wearing my clothes for me, not because I'm scared somebody else won't like what they see.

Another question/comment that I've received a lot is, 'Why don't you wear make-up?' and, 'I didn't realise you didn't wear make-up, that's so strange'. Now I just want to make it clear that I'm not a raving, bra-burning, man-hating feminist (though if you are, each to their own, I'm not one to judge). I simply don't wear make-up because I don't like it. That's genuinely it. It makes my face feel heavy and it gives me spots and more often than not I have allergic reactions that make eyes swell so much that I look like a bull frog on steroids. I'm partial to a little now and then for a special occasion or just coz I fancy it, but other than that I really just don't have any interest in it.

Me (right) with make-up.

Me without make-up. I'll let you guess which side.

I can't really see much difference, hence me not seeing the point in it. Maybe I'm just blind?

Also why is not wearing make-up considered strange? Most men do it everyday. Which is another thing I don't get: why aren't men 'allowed' to wear make-up? Like I don't see how it HAS to be a particularly 'girly' thing (whatever 'girly' is, but let's not get into that right now). Surely you're mainly just covering up blemishes on your face and then adding a bit of colour and sparkle if you fancy it? I think it's silly how women are just expected to wear make-up because of our gender and if we don't do it it's like we're trying to make some statement to the world about our views on society. Well I'm not, I just think it feels yucky. So there.

On the day of the experiment I also got a lot of interesting reactions that I didn't get to record. I had a really interesting conversation with one friend in particular about whether how you dress defines your identity. He talked about how for example, my having dreads and a slightly alternative dress sense doesn't define who I am, rather it is more a cherry on top of the 'Emily' cake. Basically, it's a form of self expression rather than something that defines what your personality should be. Although some of my friends noticed my new look, it didn't change the way they acted with me, just like Josie and I didn't notice how different our styles were until we swapped. Don't let people define you because of the way you dress or do your hair or whatever else you do to decorate your body because at the end of the day, once they get to know you it really doesn't make a difference. If people were all the same how boring would that be?

Any other feedback has mostly been that people thought our experiment was interesting and they can't wait to read more, which is always lovely to hear. So thanks for that, we didn't expect something that was originally 'for the LOLs' to get so much attention :) If you have anymore questions you'd like us to answer then please don't hesitate to send them on. Josie will be writing more about her experiences in due course!

Identity Thief, The Vlog

This is the video result of our identity experiment (see previous post!) We'll be writing more about it in due course!

Identity Thief

In the past few weeks, a lot has changed in my life for the better. One of those things being moving into my new house with four wonderful girlies who are just plain amazing. However, a couple of us have been feeling quite self-conscious and lonely with the holiday season approaching and the phrase 'forever alone' has been thrown around a little too much. Josie and I (below) have been feeling particularly image conscious. Josie has found herself a bit too concerned about what other people think of her and I have always had issues with exposing my body as I have never been particularly confident with my figure. We decided we needed to do something to tackle these problems and THUS our ingenious experiment was born... Operation Identity Thief.

For today, we have decided to swap styles - not just clothing, but shoes, make up and jewellery too. Doesn't seem like such a big challenge however, our styles contrast slightly...

See? Lovely and comfy in our own outfit choices before the switch.

Perhaps I'm imagining it because I know how I felt, but I think we look significantly less comfortable here.

Josie is spending the day sporting my lovely, roomy dungarees, avengers tank top, men's medium sized checkered shirt and my Docs. Oh and she isn't allowed to wear any make-up. Where as I am in a Josie classic of leggings, a skin tight black long sleeved top, panda blazer, knee high robin hood boots and a full face of slap, red lippy and all.

We've now spent an entire day at uni in each others clothes, which has sparked some interesting conversations and reactions, as well as reflections on our part. We'll be sharing our thoughts on the experiment, as well as those of our friends, in the next week as we explore how our clothing effects how we identify ourselves and how we are viewed by others. Who do we really dress for and why do we make the outfit choices we make? I'm finding it all quite fascinating myself.

Tonight we're venturing into Winter Wonderland to brave our new looks in public. Wish us luck...

A Pyjama Party and Muddy Shoes

A week and a half later and I am finally getting around to sharing my weekend in Exeter with you guys... Sorry about that! I think I've mentioned in another post how I'm kind of moving house at the moment and therefore living in a limbo between various places, meaning I haven't had access to my laptop :( But it's slowly getting sorted, so hopefully I can get back on track with my posts in the near future!

I had a LOVELY weekend in Exeter with my amazing friend Louis, who is quite literally me in male form. Except I move at a much speedier pace and he doesn't like chocolate dessert?! -  I know, I questioned the friendship at that point too, it was difficult for me to take in. We did lots of exciting things and I spent almost the entire timing laughing myself a six pack and teaching him how to be a country boy.

As I arrived before he finished uni I spent most of my afternoon exploring the town and failing to resist book shopping. The cathedral is gorgeous however I refuse to ever pay any money to go inside a religious building, so I didn't get to see the interior. £4 seems a little steep to chat to God when you can just do it wherever you like anyway. I'm not sure of my stance on whether putting God in a 'house' is the right thing to do in the first place as the Bible says it's a no-no, but then people do need somewhere to gather and feel safe. Which is why it really ticks me off as churches are supposed to be a place of refuge for those in need and if those with little or no money can't go in then that totally defies the point of even having a church building in the first place. I don't care if you need money for the up-keep of the church, if the church isn't being used for the proper purpose what on earth does it matter if it looks all pretty inside anyway? I could go on, but I think you get the point.

ANYWAY I met Louis for a drink in a pub called 'The Old Firehouse' which apparently is the place that J. K. Rowling based the Leaky Cauldron on in the Harry Potter series, which as a Potterhead I was rather excited about. It was a lovely place too, with a proper inviting and warm English pub feel, which counts for a lot on rainy English autumn days. Seeing as we're super classy we then decided to get a Tesco take-away curry for two for dinner, before settling down for the night by playing drinking games with his flat mates, which eventually turned into a bit of a pyjama party with choreographed dance routines and some drinking a little more than their stomachs could handle. All in all, a great night with some awesome people! Just goes to show that you can still meet great people even if you don't go off and stay in a hostel and do the traditional travelling thing.

On the Saturday Louis and I decided to become wilderness explorers and venture out into the Exeter countryside, with no plan of where to go, no map and no provisions, because we are super smart and organised. Within about 30 minutes we'd wandered off into some field (public footpath my arse) and begun a bit of an adventure I'd like to entitle 'How the hell do we get out of here?'. Luckily I'm used to this sort of thing as where I grew up there are loads of fields and farm land so I'm not stranger to being chased by sheep or accidentally trespassing on private land. Louis however, is a massive city boy and began to panic a liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittle bit, when we managed to get stuck in some private field. And then when we eventually found the road, there was no footpath. Which Louis didn't like so he began reminiscing about his beloved 'safe' underground in London... *SIGH* ;)

Louis LOVES the outdoors. It's funny coz he actually does. He just doesn't like the prospect of getting his shoes muddy...

Beautiful view of the Devon countryside. I always think that the beauty of the English landscape is understated. I mean this is beautiful and the picture doesn't even do the real thing justice.

This is the field we were 'lost' in and tried to find an escape route from, only to discover it was surrounded by a barbed wire fence.

So after our ridiculous adventure (after which we found out if we'd stuck to the road we could have covered the distance we walked in two hours in just 20 minutes...) we were cold and wet and tired, so we went to grab some comfort food at the student bar, which is AMAZING. Seriously, Exeter student union is incredible, I've never seen anything like it! I do sometimes wish I'd chosen to go to a campus uni or one that isn't based in the middle of a busy city. It was really nice to be surrounded by nature and not feel the pressure to rush anywhere or to have to do a million things at once. City life kind of sets you up with that mentality. Though if I was in the country I'd probably be complaining that I was bored and had nothing to do, so really I can't say London is all bad.

In the evening we joined the rest of the gang and went to watch his flat mate Laura in a short play put on by, I assume, the drama society. It was actually really nice to see original plays performed by students (and I think written by students), as I don't know if we have something like that at my university or not. I think there's something beautiful about seeing a brand new character portrayed by the first time by an actor who has made it their own, rather than basing it on a previous portrayal of a character we've seen 100s of times before. The performances as a consequence were raw and oozed sincerity, something that creates an undeniable connection with the audience. Needless to say, I really enjoyed it and would love to see more of that kind of thing on my home turf.

And that pretty much sums up my short but sweet stay in Exeter. I met some amazing people and as always had some brand new experiences. I'd recommend to anyone to visit the city not only because the surroundings are breath-taking but the city itself is really something; quaint but with a lot to offer. I next get to see Louis at Christmas, hopefully with the rest of the Croatia gang, so I've got that to look forward to! I haven't yet planned my next UK trip but it's only 90p on the bus to Coventry so that looking like a likely candidate. If you have any suggestions on places to visit or things you'd like me to write about please let me know :)

En route to Exeter

I've just got on the bus to Exeter, where I'm heading for my second UK trip and visiting one of my super awesome travel friends, Louis. We met briefly in Zagreb this summer and have been in touch ever since. And last weekend I got to spend the entire time with the wonderful Mani who I met in Peru, again rather briefly. That's TWO of my favourites in one week, I am one lucky girly. It just goes to show you that making friends should be effortless if you really click with a person.

I think Exeter is possibly the most South I've ever been in England and if not, at least the furtherest way from my home town, which is pretty exciting. I'm not really sure what to expect from the weekend; I've heard it's a really beautiful city, so I'm going to use the couple of hours before Louis gets out of uni to do the touristy things. Apparently there's the standard castle and cathedral combo, so at least I'll have some sights to take pretty pictures of on my trusty disposables.

For now though, I'm going to sit back and enjoy the four hour stretch on the bus, with Taylor Swift for company. Don't judge, I'm not even ashamed.

More from Housedean Farm

Been a little rubbish posting these up because I haven't had a computer and I'm not a big fan of blogging from my phone.

19/10/2013, 5.37pm

It's been a busy day and my first day in my new walking boots so I can feel the blisters forming on my toes. It's been really nice to wander aimlessly in and out of charity shops, second hand book stores and antiques shops, with nothing for company accept my own thoughts.

After my rather damp walk on the pier and scrummy dinner of fish and chips, I went to find that building I'd spotted on my way into town, which turned out to be Brighton Pavalion and Museum, so I decided to explore all the free bits (obviously). There was an exhibition on Ancient Egypt, which is always a win for me and one on Brighton, which proved pretty interesting, though the fact that it was freezing outside probably aided my slightly too lengthy stay admiring Mr Henry Willett's extensive pottery collection, which he had generously donated to the gallery, being it's founded and all. OH and I almost forgot, I also walked around the main shopping part of town, somehow resisting my incredibly strong urges to buy everything. Pat on the back for Em.

Once back in Lewes I walked right the way down the main high street, accidentally snook into the Lewes Museum without paying - in my defence I simply strolled in past the ladies on the desk who didn't check if I had a ticket until I was leaving - explored the castle, learned about the Battle of Lewes, had a lovely walk around some really fancy gardens, took a peak inside the church and bought a head torch so I can actually write in my tent! Yay!

I'm not sure what to do with my evening, I don't yet feel tired but I feel it would be sensible to go back to my tent to check that it's all in one piece before setting out again...


Around 7pm (I don't have a watch and my phone has died, just know it's very dark and cold.)

So I'm back in my tent now, sporting my ultra trendy head torch and wondering why southern gravy tastes so weird. I went for tea (that's dinner to those who don't speak northern) at a carvery called Newmarket Inn on my way back from town and although the food was good, it cost twice the price it would be in Preston and was no better quality... But at least it was warm inside and I got to have a little chat with the manager who's from Hull.

Whilst waiting for the bus I walked past an antiques store where an old lady was playing with a cat, who decided to be terribly mischievous and clamber all over the antiques (the cat, not the lady), in turn knocking off some rather fancy looking crockery. It turns out the cat belonged to the shop owner, who got very mad at the old lady for 'provoking' the cat and tried to make her pay, but fortunately the old lady was having none of it and turned and ran off down the road, whilst I and various other bystanders stood around giggling. Much to our further amusement, the shop owner attempted to run after the old dear, failing miserably and on giving up stalked haughtily back inside her shop, slamming the door behind her. I think the two lessons to be learned here are 1) Don't bring your pet to work, especially when you own an antiques shop and 2) Don't underestimate the elderly, they can be speedier than they look.

I'm currently snuggling down under all my clothes and listening to the sound of the group who are camping at the bottom of the field, with a lovely, warm fire which I would kill to be beside right now. It's like 7.30 or something and I'm already ready for sleeping. What is life? It's taken a weekend away to remind me how much I miss my friends. I need to try harder to remind myself how lucky I am in that respect, in the madness of the city it's sometimes all too easy to forget.