Identity Thief, Emily's Story

Since posting the video I've had all sorts of feedback and questions on how our experiment went and what the subsequent results have been. Whilst the comments have been mostly positive, I've also received some concern about the last part of the video where I say, 'I may be less inclined to wear things like this' referring to my dungarees. I realise that without context that could appear as though the experiment has taught me to shy away from what is naturally my own style, due to the reactions to what I was wearing or due to the various 'tramp' related comments Josie received when wearing my clothes. So I thought I'd better start by clearing that up.

First of all, I am not, by ANY means, getting rid of my dungarees. They are my favourite item of clothing by a long shot and nothing will ever compare to their super comfiness. However, as I mentioned in the first post, I have some serious issues when it comes to my body shape and how I perceive myself. This stems wayyyyyyyyyyy back to my childhood, when in Primary School I was going through the awkward, slightly chubby, puppy fat stage.

This is what my friends say I used to look like. I now cry with laughter every time I see this.

Unfortunately like many other children I suffered a severe, though short lived, stint of bullying around the age of 10/11. Although I was on the slightly larger side (though how much that was true is difficult to tell), I still wanted to fit in with my skinny, mini friends at school so I'd always do the classic school girl skirt rolling up and cool sock thing - which looking back was actually really bizarre. Whilst none of my friends would bat an eye-lid, almost everyday when I said goodbye to group I meandered home with and walked the last five minutes by myself, a group of girls from the neighbouring 'rival' school would chase me home shouting obscenities at me and their favourite, 'fat slut', still resounds with me today. I'm not sure how many people I ever told about this as I was, and probably still am, a proud little lady and didn't like people to think that they could get the better of me. So for a few weeks I would take it on the chin, ignoring everything and anything these four girls would throw at me until it finally fizzled out; I can only assume they got bored due to my lack of reaction. I even eventually befriended one of them a few years later at a drama club I attended, though she either chose to pretend or genuinely couldn't remember what she had done.

When I went on to high school the following year, I lost a lot of weight. It almost didn't seem like a conscious decision at first, I just stopped eating as much. Then I'd eat as little as I could get away with and began to feel guilty if I didn't feel hungry. A few times I got so hungry I binged like crazy then made myself throw it all back up again. Luckily, by some miraculous means, I managed to get through all this without telling a soul. I didn't want people to think I had an eating disorder or worry about me. The fact was I was 'fat' and needed to lose weight, but unfortunately I was totally uneducated in how to do that in a healthy manner. I was also lucky that I somehow managed to take hold of the situation before it became too severe. Although I was pretty tiny, (I remember a science class when I was 14 where I weighed in at 6.5 stone (42kg) and a pair of jeans I had when I was in year 5 were to big for me by year 9) I was never dangerously underweight and as I gained more confidence I started to care less about what people thought.

This is me at my first festival just before my 14th birthday rocking my classic, men's extra large black hoody.

Sadly, the repercussions from 10 years ago still haven't quite left me. Although I care less about what people think of my style and personality, I am still and will probably always be, terrified of being 'fat' or 'slutty', which is why I dress like a do. I'm the kind of person who dresses depending on how I'm feeling. I either pick colours that reflect my mood or garments that reflect my level of self esteem. For example, if I'm feeling sad I'll pick dark colours or if I'm particularly excited I'll go all multi-coloured or if I'm having a 'pretty day' I'll wear something girly or if I'm having a 'fat day' I'll wear something loose fitting and comfy so I don't have to feel self conscious about myself etc etc etc. Although my clothes are without a doubt an expression of my personality, it annoys me how they are also slightly determined by insults a received from some misguided children over a decade ago.

So, to get to the point, I am not saying I would be less inclined to wear my dungarees because I don't like them. It's just that by wearing something that made me feel pretty much naked and incredibly self-conscious for the day and receiving only positive comments, I've realised that maybe I shouldn't be as ashamed of my body as I am. Of course my friends have always been lovely to me, trying to build me up and telling me that the amount I care about other people's opinions is stupid, but seeing not only the reactions to what I was wearing but also to my clothes on somebody else's body really highlighted for me the ridiculous lengths I sometimes go to just to hide what my body really looks like. I should be wearing my clothes for me, not because I'm scared somebody else won't like what they see.

Another question/comment that I've received a lot is, 'Why don't you wear make-up?' and, 'I didn't realise you didn't wear make-up, that's so strange'. Now I just want to make it clear that I'm not a raving, bra-burning, man-hating feminist (though if you are, each to their own, I'm not one to judge). I simply don't wear make-up because I don't like it. That's genuinely it. It makes my face feel heavy and it gives me spots and more often than not I have allergic reactions that make eyes swell so much that I look like a bull frog on steroids. I'm partial to a little now and then for a special occasion or just coz I fancy it, but other than that I really just don't have any interest in it.

Me (right) with make-up.

Me without make-up. I'll let you guess which side.

I can't really see much difference, hence me not seeing the point in it. Maybe I'm just blind?

Also why is not wearing make-up considered strange? Most men do it everyday. Which is another thing I don't get: why aren't men 'allowed' to wear make-up? Like I don't see how it HAS to be a particularly 'girly' thing (whatever 'girly' is, but let's not get into that right now). Surely you're mainly just covering up blemishes on your face and then adding a bit of colour and sparkle if you fancy it? I think it's silly how women are just expected to wear make-up because of our gender and if we don't do it it's like we're trying to make some statement to the world about our views on society. Well I'm not, I just think it feels yucky. So there.

On the day of the experiment I also got a lot of interesting reactions that I didn't get to record. I had a really interesting conversation with one friend in particular about whether how you dress defines your identity. He talked about how for example, my having dreads and a slightly alternative dress sense doesn't define who I am, rather it is more a cherry on top of the 'Emily' cake. Basically, it's a form of self expression rather than something that defines what your personality should be. Although some of my friends noticed my new look, it didn't change the way they acted with me, just like Josie and I didn't notice how different our styles were until we swapped. Don't let people define you because of the way you dress or do your hair or whatever else you do to decorate your body because at the end of the day, once they get to know you it really doesn't make a difference. If people were all the same how boring would that be?

Any other feedback has mostly been that people thought our experiment was interesting and they can't wait to read more, which is always lovely to hear. So thanks for that, we didn't expect something that was originally 'for the LOLs' to get so much attention :) If you have anymore questions you'd like us to answer then please don't hesitate to send them on. Josie will be writing more about her experiences in due course!

Identity Thief, The Vlog

This is the video result of our identity experiment (see previous post!) We'll be writing more about it in due course!

Life Lessons

I've been somewhat lacking in inspiration recently, until I came across this post whilst scrolling through my tumblr feed in the early hours of this morning. I wish I could say I wrote this, but unfortunately I didn't, I just felt that sharing it might inspire some other people as it did me.

For my goddaughter.

Here’s what I’ve learned. 

Do not be afraid to let yourself feel. If someone breaks your heart, break that locket they gave you, the one with “S+E” engraved on it. Take 2, no, take 5 plates out of the cabinet and smash them, then stomp on the fine china until it looks like there was a mini blizzard in your kitchen. Do not be afraid to scream at the people who do you wrong, or the ones who do you right. If you feel it, show it. Nothing good will come out of keeping the fire inside, trust me. You will end up burning yourself to the ground, and you are not a forest fire. You are a hurricane. 

Make art. Cover the walls with it, hang it on the fridge and bathroom mirror so everyone has to look at it. Don’t let anyone ever tell you something you created is not good enough, everything you do will be good enough. Make art in the dead of winter, that’s when the world will need it the most. Make art in the bloom of summer, that’s when you will feel the love radiating from your fingertips. Just please, remember to create.

Travel. Any chance you get to see the world, take it. Even if it’s just a trip to Walmart  go. Get in the car, get on the bike, ride the skateboard, walk, run, it doesn't matter how you get there, just go. There is a deep rooted need in human beings to adventure. We are all born with a hole in our soul, sit still, ignore the beating of your heart and the sounds of your insides. Can you feel it, that hole? Good. Now let me tell you something about that hole, no other human can fill that hole, contrary to popular belief. No piece of clothing or cellphone will fill it. The only thing that will ever, ever fill that empty space is the unknown. So, get out there kid, see this beautiful world and all its forgotten nooks and crannies. You will never regret it, this I promise you.

Don’t ever think that you need another person to complete you. I can’t even begin to count the number of nights I wasted telling myself that all I needed was a lover, a shoulder to cry on, in order to be happy. The belief that we all have a “soul mate” is bullshit. It has taken me 18 years to realize that I have been my own soul mate all along, just as you are your own. So spend time with yourself, you’ll find she’s much more beautiful than you ever could have imagined. Take time to just be. Don’t always feel like you have to be doing something, sometimes the healthiest thing in the world is to let yourself go. 

Be kind. Be kind. Be kind. If there is one thing I can teach you it is this. Don’t let other people’s bitterness attach to you, like some sort of parasite. Always, always, smile at strangers. Hand out kind words like candy on Halloween. You will never be able to know what others are going through, remember that. 

Read. I would never be the person I am today if I hadn't fallen in love with books. On The Road taught me more about myself than any class ever did. Bukowski was the only person I had during some long, dark nights. Plath held my hand as I struggled with urges to end everything, and talked me back from my ledge. Looking for Alaska was like looking into my own soul and reading the small print. If anyone ever makes fun of you for reading, just wink, and kindly say “fuck you”, and turn the goddamn page.

School is not, nor will it ever be, the most important thing in your life. Do you know what the most important thing is? Keeping a hold of who you are. You are going to fail a test, I promise. But you are not going to fail life. When teachers hand you back tests with “F” sprawled in red ink, look them in the eyes, and say “Thank you very much.” Hold your head high when you don’t remember what the vocab means. Don’t let them get into your head, keep your true self guarded. You will already be smarter than them all if you do this.

If anyone ever makes you think you can’t do something because you’re a girl, do it. Ride a chopper, blow past all those assholes who laughed when you tried to talk to them about oil coolers and brake rotors. Get tattooed with portraits of Waylon, Johnny and Merle. Spit in the dirt then rub it under your eyes to show them all this life is a battle and you’re not here to fuck around. Run like a wild horse, howl like a wolf, fight like a lion. You’re going to meet so many boring people in this life, write them off. One day you’ll find your people. In the desert, on the highways, behind the tattoo shops, between graffiti filled walls. Oh, you’ll find them and you’ll know. 

Hit this world like the fiercest tornado but be gentle with the details. 

And carpe the hell out of your diems.