A Love Letter

My dearest Body,
No love is perfect I suppose, I’d be lying if I suggested otherwise. On a bad day, I often obsess over the imperfections of our relationship. Skinny legs, scrawny arms and boobs that are so big they have their own gravitational pull. As I get dressed I suck it in, cover up and repress my true feelings under layers of men’s clothing as the school yard chants of ‘fat slut’ dance around my consciousness. I allow myself to be consumed by the voices that claim that I’m too ugly to ever be loved by anyone, even myself, wishing- no, praying to God to just fix these insecurities, so I would no longer have to be alone or ever inflict my hideous form on anyone else.

I want to apologise for those days I have been ashamed to take you out; those days when I look at you and wish for something else. We've been through so much together, our fates purposely intertwined from birth, to walk this earth for one reason or another. We've made it our mission to love limitlessly, to care for all, even those which others deem unworthy. Yet somehow, we've lost sight of what makes our love so special, that we too, are also worthy of this unconditional love. Over the years we've allowed the media to dictate the way our relationship should be and let society pick holes in our intimacy in a way our younger selves would have found unfathomable.

When I reevaluate our flaws through childlike eyes, a much more beautiful image begins to emerge and even those aspects of you I often scrutinise aren't without their charm – combine those legs and that ass with a pencil skirt and I can’t deny you look pretty fine, not forgetting the unquestionable usefulness of your ‘assets’ when fighting for a drink at the bar. You have always been there for me, through the scars of youthful misadventures to the piercings and tattoos of exploratory adulthood, carrying all with such grace and poise as if they've always belonged. Above all, those eyes, the window that connects me to you, will ever remain unrivalled and unchanged by the years. Together, we have become women, blossomed and developed in our gorgeous imperfections, forever here to support one another. That’s where your true beauty lies.

Love always, Your Soul

***

This is a piece I wrote for a competition to win a Pin-Up Girl photo shoot with a company called Shameless Photography. They announce the finalists in a few days, but winning isn't really my motive behind entering; I just loved the idea of having to write a love letter to my body. This isn't due to some self-indulgent, I-want-to-make-myself-feel-good motive, but because to I wanted to see if I could actually do it.

I've recently decided to dedicate the next six months or so of my life to building my character, working on my insecurities and becoming more of the person that I was created to be. Basically, I'm going to actively pursue and embrace my singledom, so I can concentrate my efforts into becoming the kind of person I'd want to date and not only that, but also the kind of person who could really bring out the best in my significant other. Just to clarify, I'm not completely consumed by the desire to get a boy/girlfriend. Actually it's the complete opposite. I'm terrified of the thought, due to a string of failed pursuits and being messed about over the past two years by people I would consider as good friends. I've allowed myself to repeatedly end up in situations where my self-esteem is beaten down, to the point where I found it difficult to love myself, let alone let anyone else in.

“Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My god, do you learn.”

—	C. S. Lewis

In the last few months my life and my perspective of myself have been totally changed around, and time and time again I've had to confront the 'demons' I've essentially created for myself through countless stupid decisions I've made. I can't say I regret any of them, because I've learned a lot and did, amongst all the crap, have some good experiences too. If you've been reading this blog over the past few months you'll have noticed my slight obsession with exploring identity and what makes me, me, as I feel that I managed to lose a lot of myself on what I originally thought was a journey of self discovery. How does that saying go? 'You have to lose yourself to find yourself', or something along those lines? It appears I've become a walking cliché.

If you hadn't guessed, my most recent challenge has been to love myself. I've been working on my relationship with my soul/personality/essence/whatever you want to call it for some time now, but when I saw the advert for this competition, I was reminded of how there's more to me than just the immaterial. My body, although temporary, is still a vital part to my being and my relationship to it is something that needs some serious healing. I think there's a real importance in loving the skin you're in, feeling sexy and confident that there is nothing wrong with the body that you have been blessed with. There's a huge difference between being narcissistic or vain and having a healthy relationship with your body. Pretty isn't gained by hours at the gym or self-inflicted starvation. What makes you beautiful is how comfortable you are within yourself. So dress in what makes you feel good, respect yourself and give your body the love and care it deserves. Write yourself a love letter if you fancy, because you deserve it. 



At a recent art exhibition I attended I saw a piece that explored those common human traits deemed 'flaws' by society - black heads, acne, unwanted facial hair and the like. In the description next to her work the photographer had written 'there is no body more perfect than the one you are in right now'. 

You're a Goddamn Treasure, Savannah

Savannah is a 17 year old girl with a Youtube channel full of ramblings, songs and stories about her life. SEVENTEEN YEARS OLD PEOPLE. If I consider myself a child still then I hope I don't offend her by saying that it's the youth that we should listen to. Her words aren't profound or revolutionary in the slightest. They're just the common sense that so many of us refuse to listen to. But all you have to do it look at children (now I mean in like the 0-10 age bracket, though unfortunately that bracket is getting smaller and smaller every year) to see that appearance doesn't matter. They'll run around like loons, mud, chocolate, pasta sauce smeared all over their clothes and faces, making friends with anyone who wants to join in with their game regardless of how long they spent doing their hair that morning. And do we love them any different? ER no. We think it's cute that they haven't a care in the world and tell them not to grow up so fast, life is cruel when you're an adult.

So why at a certain age does it become obligatory to care so much about the way you look? I understand there's the whole starting to feel sexually attracted to one another and stuff. But in my personal experience, any relationship I've had that's begun solely based on physical attraction has ended up fizzling out and going sour anyway. Your other half may be initially attracted to the seven inches of slap you've smeared on your face or that tight booby dress you're wearing, but you can't hide your 'real' self forever, physical or otherwise. Because if you like it or not, you are more than just a pretty face. Plus, imagine if you marry someone (I know, scary stuff) and you had to get up every morning to put make-up on before snuggling back down with your spouse, before he/she could see the horrors that lie beneath the shimmer and shine. Ridiculous isn't it?

Oh and I don't mean to leave out any macho types that might be reading this. Same applies to you. You might think that all your potential other halves care about is your muscular forearms and that you can flash the cash, and I won't deny that some do. A minority. A minority so small it's actually ridiculous that they get so much media attention. Most of us just want someone to love us for who we are, someone who can make us laugh and hold us in the bad times. Though thinking about it, isn't that all that anyone wants?

I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with wanting to look nice. Just so long as you're doing it for the right reasons. If you think that wearing a dress and heals and sparkly pink lipstick looks wonderful, then go nuts, just as long as you're doing it for yourself. I personally can't think of anything worse to inflict upon myself, but that doesn't mean that I try and force my dress code on my four other much girlier house mates (OK except that one time in my Identity Thief series but she was allowed to get her own back).

Savannah is an Ordinary Incredible because she has had the boldness to speak out for those who are too ashamed to do so; who comply just because society tells them so and are too afraid to just be themselves. She has no PA to deal with any backlash she might receive from sharing her views, no media empire to twist what she's said into something more easily digestible to those who just want to conform. This ordinary, yet beautiful girl had the guts to say what do many of us have shied away from and in her own creative style too. That's why she's incredible.

(If you click through to YouTube you can find the lyrics in the 'about' bit below the video)

Being yourself: Officially a Dreadhead!

Another dread update! Last time I mentioned their progress I'd just brought the number up to 11 in Sarajevo. I now have a couuuuuple more than that.

I used the twist and rip method and despite the adverse advice, used elastic bands to secure the sections because my hair is just to smooth and straight to do it without. Will be taking them out within a week though! No product and I'm going to throw out my crochet hook because I've only heard bad things about them since I starting using it. I also have a few beads and fancy bits which I intend to start putting in soon. So yer, this is how they look right now:

Dread count: 36

I finally took the plunge and thought, 'Hashtag YOLO, let's just go the whole hog and hope I don't look too ridiculous'. I've wanted to dread my hair since forever (well early high school but that does seem like a life time ago) but to be honest I never really thought I'd pluck up the courage to do it. It's not that I've always tried to blend in, far from it, I've always liked to do my own thing. However, for some reason doing anything crazy with my hair has been something I have been worried about being judged on.

I worked out recently that this was mostly to do with the fear of not being considered 'attractive'; that because so many have people have warned me that I won't suit dreads or they look dirty or just plain awful, I started to think, 'Well maybe they're right. Maybe if I change my hair I'll all of a sudden turn into some hideous monster that no one will ever love ever again and I'll have to become some crazy-cat-lady-spinster who is forever alone.' When in actual fact, that is just THEIR opinion (the not liking dreads thing, not necessarily the crazy-cat-lady bit) which of course, they are fully entitled to. I, on the other hand, have always loved dreadlocks. If I see someone rocking dreads I will literally fall in love with them on sight (no exaggeration, ask my friends) and have always thought of it as a really beautiful and individual hairstyle.

Most of the above realisation came to me during a conversation with a friend whilst travelling, when discussing how society has conditioned us to think that looking a certain way is attractive, whilst everyone else becomes completely undesirable. It attempts to impress on us an ideal way to look and boxes us off into categories. Short skirts, long blonde hair, fake tan etc etc are a big yes, whilst dreadlocks, baggys jeans and facial piercings are a big no-no. Now I'm not suggesting that if you want to have the blonde and bronzed look there is anything at all wrong with it - I'm merely suggesting that if that's not how you want to look, don't just to it because society says you should. I know plenty of people who find their other half more attractive without make-up and dressed down anyway.

Too many times this year I've found myself wearing tighter and more revealing clothing than I'm comfortable in, simply because that's how you 'look nice'. Then I spend the whole evening feeling self conscious and either go home early, or get a stupid level of drunk so I don't have to think about what I look like. True, I'll get a lot more attention dressing that way than I do dressing the way I prefer, but it is attention I've never enjoyed. It's nice to be called pretty, but when it's accompanied by a slap on the ass (swiftly followed by a return whack in the face from yours truly) it completely loses any complimentary value. Being treated like a piece of meat just makes me feel cheap.

I finally made the decision to progress from my 11 hidden dreads to a full set due to meeting a guy in a hostel in Zagreb, who was just as infatuated with the hairstyle as me. I'd never met someone else who has as much love for dreads as I do, whose first question wasn't, 'Have you thought about how you're going to take them out?', but rather, 'They look incredible, when are you going to do the rest?!'. I know it sounds silly, but that was literally all it took and my mind was set. I think far too often people are scared to do what they want to do with their lives because they feel like they'll be the only one to think that their choices are the right ones. That they'll be alone in their decisions and it'll be difficult to find any support. But if I've learned anything from that accidental meeting, it's that sometimes you'll find people you can really relate to completely by chance, in the strangest places and at the most unexpected times. And really, if the decision is right for you, who cares what anybody else thinks? Also it turns out that after all my worrying, aside from a few exceptions, almost all of my friends and family admitted they actually quite like the do, or can at least tolerate it.

(Instagram @gracelund1)

Aimee and Pete actually HELPED to finish off the last couple.

I know it might seem a bit odd getting all deep about a hairstyle, but for me it's more about what it represents. It's a lifestyle choice that allows me to express myself, despite the stigma which can come with it and I'm just really pleased that with a little encouragement, I've finally been able to carry it out. In today's society I don't think there's enough emphasis on the importance of being yourself, so I hope I can at least do my little bit to spread word that it's OK just to be you. Judging people is for losers, so who cares what anybody else thinks?

This post is inspired both by my new dreads and the above video my Jenna Marbles, who I think is an absolute babe. It's an inspiring video for me, so I thought I'd share it with you all :)